


Unlikely Places

by esteefee



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, First Kiss, Humor, M/M, Masturbation, Matchmaking, Post-Episode: s02e01 The Siege Part 3 (Stargate Atlantis)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:40:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24768664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esteefee/pseuds/esteefee
Summary: John finds courage in the most unlikely places.
Relationships: Rodney McKay/John Sheppard
Comments: 63
Kudos: 148





	Unlikely Places

**Author's Note:**

> Beta by the excellent Em-Kellesvig.
> 
> tw: Rodney makes caustic suicide references re: John's run at the Wraith. Please skip this for your own self-care as necessary.

Now that they'd plugged in the ZPM, Rodney warned all of them they might discover Atlantis had new, undiscovered capabilities. John was guessing they'd find the secret disco ballroom or a new superweapon. Rodney said he was worried they'd release a new super virus instead. Fun guy full of fun thoughts, that was their Rodney.

"Just get on the emergency channel if you notice behavior that looks dangerous or faulty in some way," he said, his fingers making an enticing squiggle that didn't look very dangerous to John. More like a sensual massage. 

"That's all, people. Thank you for your time. I know you're all exhausted from the past few, harrowing weeks," Elizabeth said. "Senior staff, take the day to relax and tomorrow start shaping up your reports for our return to Earth. Everyone else gets three days off." She smiled at their cheers and dismissed them. 

John could think of nothing more relaxing than going back to his quarters for little personal time, which had been in little evidence lately what with all the freaking suicide missions and Wraith killing and stuff. Also, with him getting close and personal with nukes, he wanted to confirm his junk still worked.

He kicked off his boots as soon as he got in the door and landed on his tiny bed, pushing against the wall to arch his back and shrug off his pants. All he could think of was Rodney's hands and his sensuous fingers working John's cock. John had his underwear off, and his favorite lube out with his fingers slicked up, one hand stroking his dick and the other behind his balls, and now the slick hand was Rodney's mouth, and his fingers were Rodney's, fucking into him, so talented, so thick.

He'd wanted this so badly, especially in the past few days with Rodney looking at him so concerned all the time, the clock ticking down, the losses coming hot and heavy, and John worried out of his skull for everyone he cared about, Rodney at the top of that list. But Rodney was safe. Safe and back to his uncaring, cranky, and ornery self, and somehow that made this moment even better. John didn't have to worry about him at all, just Rodney's pretty fingers stroking him so good.

"Christ," John groaned and came way too fast and hard, balls cramping up, pumping jizz out over his hand and shooting three quick arcs over his chest. He even hit his own mouth and flicked his tongue out for a taste, his mind jumping straight to the blow job he'd give Rodney in return.

"Ohh, Rodney." John rolled over to grab his T-shirt for clean-up. 

"Citizen, are you in distress?" a man's cultured voice said.

John squawked and startled so hard he tumbled off the bed. "Who said that?" He came up with his sidearm in his hand, fingers still faintly tacky from lube and come. "Who are you?" and aimed at the glowing man in Ancient robes standing on the other side of the bed.

The hologram bowed. "I am your Advanced Personal Intelligence. I am here to fulfill the first citizenry's personal and social needs."

John froze long enough to process that and slowly lowered his weapon. He was starting to get the idea the Ancients were a bunch of whackdoodles. "Hi, there. You said you're some kind of gofer?"

"I am not familiar with that term."

"A servant who does a bunch of different jobs."

"Yes. That would fit."

"Huh. Hang on a second." John keyed his radio. "Hey, Rodney?"

"What is it, Sheppard? I'm in the tub. Relaxing. For the first time in...well, ever."

John swallowed at the image that presented. "Um, sorry. So, nothing unusual reported?"

"No! Now leave me to my, um. Business."

John felt his face heat. "Right. Sure. Sheppard out." He shook his head smartly and flipped the safety back on his sidearm. "Well, uh, mister..."

"I prefer API, sir. For 'Advanced Personal Intelligence.'"

"Right. API." John sat down on the bed, wincing when he discovered the new bruise on his ass. He pulled the sheet over his lap. "Thanks for, uh, introducing yourself. But I don't need anything."

"But you appeared to be in distress," he said. "I can offer a wide variety of moderate medical assistance, or I can offer to contact your principal physician."

John's blush crept up to his ears. "That, uh, wasn't distress." He was starting to think this API was the real deal. John stood and went to the bathroom to wash his hands and rinse off his chest, impressed by the volume of spunk. He'd seriously needed that. Except for the surprise ending, he felt pretty good. 

The hologram flickered behind him in the mirror. "I'm aware of the habits of onanism Alterans sometimes engage in, but you did seem to be in pain."

"Nah." John shook his head. "They were just doing it wrong."

"Indeed." API paused. "I can offer you any number of self-pleasuring devices should you wish it."

"Whoa. I don't want any ten-thousand-year-old toys near my junk. Thanks, though."

API looked offended. "I assure you, sir, our foundries are in working order and manufacture only brand-new, custom articles for each citizen."

"Foundries? Holy crap." John's head spun. "Does that mean you can make us another ZPM? Uh, a Potentia?"

"Not within our purview, I'm afraid. The council has its own foundry for City systems. And I'm afraid the Procurement Intelligence has gone a bit scrambled these past few millennia. Speaking to her is very confusing."

"Well, damn." 

"About that pleasuring device, sir?"

"Oh, uh. Maybe some other time." John stuck a pin in it.

"Of course. But you seemed genuinely distressed to be unable to share your pleasure with your partner, Dr. McKay, Rodney, Ph.D., Ph.D."

John looked toward his sidearm. "You know Rodney's—the names of my people?" 

"The data has been input into the social registry. I have started encrypting your preferences under your entry. For example, you refer to your partner as 'Rodney.'"

John leaned on the sink and shook his head. He remembered how excited the scientists were that the Ancients had what appeared to be a city directory for contacting each other. Apparently, it was just a database the API used to track citizens' likes and dislikes.

"Rodney's not my partner." John splashed some water on his heated face.

"But you wish him to be?"

"Oh, jeez. You didn't mention you were a shrink."

"I'm not familiar with that term."

"Sure you aren't." What the hell. A being that used the word 'onanism' wouldn't be too judgmental. "Yeah. I like Rodney. But it's pointless."

"Why?"

"He's...him. And I'm me." 

"Your argument is specious," API said.

"Heh. Now you sound like him." John walked back into his room and put on a pair of boxers.

"What in particular about you makes you unsuited?"

This was a waste of time. "Rodney's brilliant. The biggest genius in two galaxies. I can't keep up with him. And he's got a heart as big as his brain. He just hides it." John shrugged. "He could have anyone if he tried. He just doesn't; I'm not sure why."

"And so, you feel inadequate."

"Hey, now." That was hurtful, saying it out loud like that. 

"Or perhaps you merely lack the fortitude to approach him."

"What did you just...? You did! You just double-dog dared me," John said in wonder. "I didn't know personal intelligences could do that."

"We are very flexible," API said, a very faint tang of smugness to his tone.

John glanced at this watch as he strapped it on. "Well, seeing as I'm about to have lunch with him, maybe I'll just show you who's chicken." John's stomach turned to ice even as he said it. "You, uh, can't follow me, can you?"

"My presence is restricted to these quarters, sir. However, if you require anything, you can take along this device." A cubby hole slid open at the head of John's bed, and he leaned over to grab it. The device was about a third of the size of a life signs detector but made of the same material. As soon as he picked it up, it lit up in his hand, the small screen coming to life with a menu of options, including one that said, 'Query API.'

"Wait. Is this going to make a noise? I don't want him getting curious."

"I can merely make a vibration to indicate I'm communicating if you prefer."

"Okay, good," John said, tucking it into the pocket of his BDU pants. "Wish me luck, I guess."

"Good fortune, sir."

"Right, fortune favors the brave," John said under his breath and went to his doom.

* * *

"This is such a bad idea," John said under his breath as he lifted his hand to wave Rodney over. His pocked vibrated, barely audibly, and John tapped it in warning.

"You didn't wait for me," Rodney said, his voice loaded with meaning. He dropped his tray across from John's.

"The line was getting long fast," John defended himself. "I wanted to make sure to get you some chocolate cake before they ran out." He indicated the big wedge of cake next to his smaller one.

"Oh. All right," Rodney said, snatching his dessert off John's tray. Rodney dug in on his pasta without another word.

"So, how goes the relaxing?" John said.

Rodney grunted.

"That good, huh?"

Rodney shrugged.

John sighed, and his pocket vibrated again. He pulled out the little device and looked at the screen under the edge of the table.

_Fortitude is a state of mind._

"Goddamn fortune cookie," John muttered.

"What was that?" Rodney snapped.

"Nothing, just..." John cleared his throat. "Uh, do you want to come over and watch a movie tonight? The _Daedalus_ brought us a bunch of new ones, and—"

"Oh, of course, major. I'll come over, and you can throw yourself off the balcony right before the end of the film," Rodney snarled. "Or, hmm, I have it." He snapped his fingers. "We have a giant recirculating fan on L13 you can hurl yourself into and get chopped into nice big chunks."

John's breath left his lungs. "What?"

"You heard me, you self-sacrificing asshole," Rodney hissed. "You left before I could fix the problem with the chair. I was this close." Rodney pinched his fingers together. "And you abandoned me to go flying to your doom—" 

John's guts were cold. "You can't still be pissed about—there was no fucking time, Rodney. The Wraith would've killed us all anyway if I didn't make a move!"

"Except the _Daedalus_ showed up!"

"Yeah, the _Daedalus_ showed up!"

The room was too quiet. John put down his fork and looked around. Jorsch and Tatsuya dropped their grins and went straight-faced. Beckett, John noted for future reference, kept his smirk. Elizabeth had her chin propped in her hand and was watching them like a good soap.

"Great," John said to Rodney. "Now everything thinks we're pissed each other."

"I am pissed at you," Rodney said more quietly. "Next time, wait two minutes."

"I'll wait exactly as long as I need to for the situation," John replied.

Rodney gave him a hurt expression and got up and left, taking his cake with him.

"Well, that went great," John said, confused and a little hurt, himself. He finished his meal and went stomping back to his quarters. 

Once inside, he headed straight for his golf clubs. O'Neill had sent a couple of sets along as a gift, and John had snagged one set right away, pretty much the only prerogative he'd ever taken as CO. 

John pulled out the nine iron and got to polishing it.

"I'd say that went very well," API said, and John let out a bitter laugh.

"Oh, yeah, just super." John stroked the shaft so hard he almost gave himself a friction burn.

"Our definitions might differ, but surely you must admit Dr. McKay evinced a palpable interest in your well-being."

"He's just mad I didn't think he could fix the chair in time."

"It doesn't seem a matter of professional pride would make a person's voice develop a quiver."

John perked up. "His voice quivered?"

"At least a microtone, if not a semitone."

"Huh." John thought about that for a minute. "So, he was worried about me."

"It appears yes, sir."

"Well, I was worried about him, too, so we're even." John picked up another club. "And you think that's why he got all yelly."

"Yelly?"

John waved the club around and mimed yelling.

"Ah. I see. Yes, I believe so. Further data is necessary."

"Then I'm going to get it."

* * *

It was easier said than done. Rodney seemed to be avoiding him; he was off radio. When John tried to catch him in the mess hall at dinner, Rodney was just leaving. And then Rodney holed himself up in his lab with the excuse that Elizabeth wanted all their reports and records airtight for the upcoming trip to Earth. 

The reminder made John panic a little and start in on his own, at which point he found API could sort lightning-fast through his field reports and yank out for review the ones that seemed incomplete. It simplified John's task a lot, and he began pulling his package together in record speed.

"Thanks for the assist, API." John really needed to tell Rodney about API. Heck, he needed to tell Elizabeth as well, since he was making a judgment call on API's threat level that senior staff should be in on.

And maybe API could be John's way back in. Rodney had to forgive him if John brought him an awesome new piece of tech. 

"Hey, API. The things we discussed are confidential, right? I mean, if you were to meet Rodney, you wouldn't go blabbing what we talked about?"

"Of course not. All citizens' records are private."

"Good. Good." John saved the report he was working on and pocketed the little API device. "I'm going to introduce you to Rodney. He's our chief science officer, and he's going to kill me for waiting almost a whole day as it is."

"You are the first citizen," API said reluctantly. "You may do as you wish. But if I might suggest..."

"Yeah?" John said impatiently.

"Why not initialize Dr. McKay's own Advanced Personal Intelligence? Rather than violate privacy protocols."

"Oh. I didn't realize there was...you mean every room has an API?"

"Of course. The API only needs to be initialized by a citizen with proper access, as you did when you touched this panel." API pointed to the wall above John's bed.

John rubbed his face with a laugh. He'd bumped up against that part of the wall way too many times. His bed was so damned short. 

"Good to know, thanks," John said. "I'll just show Rodney how to initialize his API."

"Yes. Although I'm happy to speak to him if you prefer."

"No, no. That won't be necessary," John said hastily. 

"As you say." API sounded amused.

John growled and put the API device back on the table. "I'll just leave you right here." 

He was pretty sure he only imagined a chuckle as he walked out the door.

Rodney wasn't in Lab 4, which meant he was probably in lockdown in his quarters with a stack of marine-issue PowerBars and a stolen carafe of coffee. The cafeteria personnel laid into John if he dared to take any cups, trays, etc., to his room, but somehow Rodney always ended up with three carafes and eight stolen mugs, and nobody gave him any shit. The staff had either blessed him, or they'd given up all hope of reforming him.

John sounded the chime, and then again when there was no response.

"Go away, I'm busy," came Rodney's muffled voice.

"You didn't even ask who it was."

"My life signs detector is tricked out so I can avoid certain individuals."

John sighed and leaned against the door. "Well, you didn't ask what I wanted."

"Ha! As if."

John frowned. "What's that supposed to—" The door slid open, and he stumbled a bit before recovering himself. "Hi." 

Rodney waved him in. "Well, don't just stand there." He turned away and went back to his bed, which was covered with papers and had two open laptops. "I'm still kind of busy, you know."

"Yeah. I've been working through my reports. How's it going?"

Rodney gave him an irritated look.

"That good, huh?" John rubbed the back of his neck.

"Did you stop by just to annoy me? Because it's working."

"No, I...found something. Well, something happened. As a result of the ZPM. And I knew you'd want to check it out and report it to Elizabeth; you know the deal."

Rodney frowned. "Are you being intentionally obscure, or...?"

"Just do me a favor and touch that panel right there next to your bed."

"You want me to fondle the wall?"

"Just...do it, okay?"

"Why?" Rodney put his hand close but hesitated. "Is it a food dispenser?"

"Even better."

"What could possibly be better than a food dispenser?"

With a sigh, John walked over to press Rodney's palm against the pale square before he could protest further. The pad glowed briefly, and then the hologram shimmered into existence. Unlike API, this one was a stately blonde woman in a blue gown.

Rodney yelped, "What in Einstein?" and scooted closer to John. 

"I told you I found something."

"Hello, gentle citizen. I am an Advanced Personal Intelligence. I am here to fulfill the first citizenry's personal and social needs."

"Holy wow," Rodney said, his voice hushed with amazement and delight. "You brought me an AI." 

"Yup." John bit back his smirk. "Her name is API." 

Rodney looked up at him. "And...you think it's safe?"

"Yeah. Limited access to the database and to a simple foundry for uh, making things for citizens' needs. Not ZPMs," John added, shutting down Rodney's next question, from his disappointed look. "Anyway, it seems harmless."

"I assure you we have no purpose beyond our citizens' health and well-being," the API said. 

This API seemed to have the same vaguely cultured lilt to her voice that John's did. Also, that slight air of amusement.

"Thanks, API," John said. "This is Dr. Rodney McKay, Ph.D., Ph.D."

"Hello, Dr. McKay. Is there anything I may do for you? Your sleeping pod has collected a great deal of detritus."

"'Detritus,' she says. No, that's just a year's worth of reports and analysis I have to get through before we visit our home planet in three days."

"May I help you with your reports?"

Rodney looked at John, his expression a cross between delighted and shell-shocked. 

"Go ahead. My API helped me with mine. I'm halfway done."

"You cretin! You betrayer! How long have you known about this?"

John winced. "Just since this morning—" 

A mechanical pencil hit him on the forehead. 

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Jeez." John rubbed his head. "I just wanted to confirm it wasn't dangerous, first."

"Hmmph. Well, get on, then. Go. I'll take it from here."

"Okay. Just...you'll tell Elizabeth?"

"Yes. Coward."

John got out.

* * *

"That went much better than I expected," John said to his API, telling him about the encounter after he got back to his quarters. John tucked the pager back into his pocket. "Rodney only threw a pencil at me; he could have thrown his coffee mug. And he let me in in the first place. That's a good sign."

"Hmm." API stroked his beard. And what was up with Rodney getting a gorgeous blonde and John getting stuck with his dad? Although the blonde did look a little like Rodney; maybe he was stuck with his mom.

"You don't think it's a good sign, do you?"

"You must apologize."

"What? For what?"

"For whatever made him angry. It's obvious he still hasn't forgiven you."

"But I didn't do anything wrong! I was saving the City from the Wraith!"

"And we thank you for that most sincerely. But obviously your Dr. McKay still resents you for your actions."

"He's not mine," John grumbled. He pulled up the matrix API had created for him and located the next report on the list, then tapped it. His computer flashed and brought it up on the screen. "Thanks, API," he said and got to work dotting the Is and crossing the Ts. He'd hit an older AAR, an early mission when Aiden had to apply shock pads to him to get an Iratus bug off his neck, and John had to stop a second and close his eyes. Aiden was lost. John would have to go back home and tell Aiden's family that he was MIA.

"Perhaps you should move onto the next report for the time being," API said.

"No, I've got it," John said, and he buckled down and wrote it up, paying particular attention to Aiden's determination and meritorious actions in saving first John's life and then the whole crew. John requested a Navy and Marine Corps gallantry in action commendation for Ford before moving on to the next.

He was deep into it when the door chimed. There weren't many people who could break through his DND, so he got up and waved the door open immediately.

"Hi, um. Hello." Rodney waved. 

John frowned. "I thought you were working on your reports. Getting them all shipshape."

"Yes, I already finished." Rodney sailed by him and into his quarters.

"What, seriously?" John stared after him in disbelief.

"Yes." Rodney bounced smugly. "My API is incredibly useful. Did you know she has a clock speed comparable to a supercomputer? Remarkable. I don't know if the APIs load balance resources or what—we'll have to look into that once we start initializing the rest of them." He took a seat on John's bed.

"So, you think we should, then?"

"Of course. The assistants will be incredibly useful for the Expedition, especially since the data is kept discreet. No issues with IP theft."

John smiled a little and went to sit next to him. 

"What?" Rodney crossed his arms. "It's a valid concern."

"Oh, I know, I know. Do you like your API, then?"

"I guess. She's a little annoying. She wants me to do... Stupid things."

"Yeah, mine too." John would not blush. Would not. 

Rodney tugged on his collar. "She's not altogether wrong, though. For example, she did say I could apologize for being so hard on you."

"Oh?" 

"Yeah. I told her what an ass you were, and she said maybe you had a point. Your intent being to save Atlantis, and the timing being what it was, and since I didn't successfully make the naquadah connection work with the chair, I suppose you did make the right choice," Rodney said grudgingly. 

"Does that mean you're sorry you've been ducking me?" 

Rodney made a lemon face. "Yes."

John smirked. 

"I'm sorry, all right? I've been a dick. Thanks for the cake. You're a good...friend."

"Thanks." John wouldn't make too much of that pause, even though his heart was beating twice a second. "Um. I'm sorry I worried you."

"Who, me? I wasn't worried. You always land on your feet."

"You're my...friend too, you know," John said awkwardly and wanted to punch himself in the face.

"Oh, well, thanks, I guess," Rodney said, heavy on the sarcasm.

"No, I mean. Uh." John scratched the back of his neck. Rodney's wide blue stare was giving him a heart attack. "Sorry I didn't wait, all right? I couldn't, but I'm sorry I upset you. If I did."

" _If_ you did." Rodney gestured crazily with one hand. "Oh, sure, because I have so many close friends, I can just toss one to the Wraith."

"I know what you mean." John shifted a little closer on the bed. "You, Teyla, Elizabeth, you guys are...like my family." John's pocket vibrated. Right. Freaking API. John didn't need to pull it out to know what was on the screen. API was the most annoying nudge on the planet, possibly the galaxy.

Rodney looked down at John's pocket and then back up, his mouth dropping open.

"Um, you especially," John said. "I mean, you're..."

"Me?" Rodney waited, his eyes widening even more.

John's throat went dry. Time stopped.

Rodney's pocket buzzed. Not John's, but Rodney's.

Rodney's face did something complicated while John reassessed the situation. 

"Is that..." John pointed, starting to smile. "Did you bring your API?"

"I...um." Rodney reached into his pocket. "Excuse me a moment." He looked down, and his shoulders hunched. 

"What did she tell you?"

Rodney opened his mouth, and his face turned pink. "She, ah, had some advice. In the event we were suffering from a communication breakdown."

"Oh, yeah?" John edged closer until his knee was touching Rodney's. "What advice was that?"

Rodney's face was so close. John could see the lush fall of Rodney's lashes brushing his cheeks, the fine grain of his pale pink skin.

Rodney licked his lips. "Um...I think you already know the answer to that."

John's pocket buzzed.

"All right; all right, already," John said, and kissed him, kissed Rodney's slanted mouth, put a hand on his cheek and pulled him closer so he could flick his tongue past Rodney's lips. Rodney responded so fast like he'd been waiting for this, and John thought he might die right there. "C'mere. Come closer."

"Then back up; you're in my way," Rodney said, and shoved John over. John got with the program and turned to pull Rodney down with him, so at least they had a chance of not rolling off his stupid bed.

"This mattress is tougher than rocks," Rodney said, crawling on top of him, his eyes bright. 

"I know. Sorry." John grabbed Rodney's hips and ground up, groaning with pleasure at feeling Rodney's cock hard against his. "I'll get a better one for next time."

Rodney stopped nibbling his ear lobe to stare down at him. 

"Next time, and every time," John said, slipping his hands under Rodney's shirt to pet his back. "You willing to be stuck with me?"

Rodney licked his lip nervously. "Did your API tell you to say that?"

John rolled his eyes. 

"I suppose your API would have come up with a more elegant choice of words," Rodney speculated, and John smacked his butt. Gently.

Rodney grinned down at him. "So, that's the way it is."

"Forget I said anything." John tried to pull him down for another kiss, but Rodney was having none of it. 

"No, no. I'm enjoying this. I think you're actually blushing." Rodney brushed a finger down John's cheek. John turned his head, even more embarrassed by the scrutiny. Rodney had this way of seeing too much. 

"You're avoiding the question." John slid up a little from under Rodney's weight and toward the top of the bed, tucking the pillow under his head. 

"And what was the question again?" Rodney rested his chin on John's chest.

"Do you want me to ask you again because you didn't know the answer before, or because now you're ready to turn me down?" John said, a little peeved.

"Oh, my God. You're worse than I am." Rodney lifted his head and met John's eyes. "Okay. Yes, I want to be stuck with you. Hopefully, with bodily fluids, and soon. But in a more permanent fashion, if you'll have me."

"Deal," John said quickly and slid his arms around Rodney's hips to haul him up close until their lips could meet. Rodney's face turned pink when John slipped his hands under Rodney's shirt and up to his shoulder blades to tug his shirt over his head, so the wealth of all that soft skin was free to touch. And his pert nipples, stiffening quickly under John's fingertips as their lips met again and again. John's pants hit the floor with a hearty crack, and he winced as he remembered the API pager a moment too late. 

It had taken the combined processing power of two supercomputers and one intergalactic genius to bring John and Rodney together, but with any luck, they could keep that information from their friends long enough for the joke to grow stale.

Looking into Rodney's bright eyes, John liked their odds a lot.

...............................  
San Francisco, CA  
June 15, 2020

**Author's Note:**

> Comment with an emoji if you like! Here's the key:  
> 😻 = my cat loved it  
> 🤣 = the sex was funny  
> 🤗 = i wanted to squish these two nerds together  
> 🍻 = beers on the pier!


End file.
